one more spot on the leopard

1.5M ratings
277k ratings

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
insaiyan7
avi-why

A brief history of time travel: 

  • May 7th, 2069. time travel is invented by Edmund Smith.
  • April 20th, 2069. time travel is invented by Edmund Smith. Edmund Smith went back in time and gave the technology to his past self, so time travel can be invented on 4/20/69. Nice.
  • March 8th, 2067. time travel is invented by Jacob McCowan. McCowan, Edmund Smith’s archrival, stole Smith’s time travel technology and gave it to his past self instead, because he thinks that using priceless technology to make a weed joke is immature.
  • April 20th, 1969. time travel is invented by Edmund Smith’s great-grandfather. This irrevocably screws with the timeline and causes the collapse of the known world, but time travel is still invented on 4/20/69. Fuck you, McCowan.
berry-muffin
yugisbarber

There’s fanfiction…. And then there’s FANFICTION. The kind of shit you happen upon at like 3am or some other ungodly time because you were trying to find a fix for ur fixation at the time and you are just SUCKED IN and every sentence feels like a line of cocaine and it has quotes and imagery that permeate your brain and it’s the shit that sticks around in your consciousness forever and it never goes away and it’s always going to be one of Those Fics.

ussenterprisescience
tweedlefan

There's a point toward the end of Master and Commander where The Sophie is beaten and the crew is taken prisoner and I was thinking oh! A chance for drama! Maybe the next book will start with a daring escape!

And then it cuts to the French captain enthusiastically showing Jack a watercolor of the English house where he grew up, and Stephen doing silly experiments with the French doctor. An English fleet shows up and the captain goes "awww, do you think they'll attack us? Or are they just going to port?" and when Jack says he's pretty sure they'll attack he's just like "booo. Oh well, no reason to spoil breakfast over it." And they just finish eating until a cannonball flies through the window, at which point they calmly go on deck.

These books are comedies

unwantedspirits
mumblesplash

kinda miss sitting in restaurants with my friends loudly having what is clearly the weirdest conversation the couple two tables over has heard all week and pretending not to notice them chuckle at my jokes but making sure to throw in enough exposition to give them context if they’re still listening

mumblesplash

“why the hell is this one getting so many notes” i think, briefly, before realizing we’re three years into The Great Loneliness and i have just wistfulposted on yearning dot com

drifl00n
beast-glatisant

now see I like goats. goats use their brains to invent new crimes and formulate evil plots, which means they are often preoccupied with their own inner worlds and the logistical problems of how to maximize the impacts of their mischief. unlike rams. which have no interest in criminal activities more complicated than giving and receiving as many concussions as possible.

creekfiend

An extremely funny and 100% real thing about this difference is

When a goat buck and a ram get into a fight

The buck rears up on his hind legs, as bucks do, to be able to come down on his opponent with a sweep of his horns

And the ram um. Puts his head down and RAMS his opponent. At head level

So like um when a buck is reared up that puts his dick at head height.

Um so

A lot of bucks get their dicks rammed really hard by rams in fights its like it's. A thing. Super common

And this happened to one of my goat bucks once and he screamed and ran to a bush and cowered and cried and had a nosebleed. And I thought he was hurt but. He was not I sat with him for an hour or two to calm him down and o inspected him and he was. Fine like he was totally normal the next day. He was just like damn bro you punched my dick with your skull that SUCKED

creekfiend

Like goats are doing you know posturing and like, going for psychological warfare or whatever and rearing up to look big and be like YO MAN YOU WANNA GO???

And rams are already like oh yeah no we are doing this and they just don't even consider like they locked on 30 seconds ago they're doing it

ruusverd

OK I don't know if goat kids do this too cause I've never raised any, but lambs from the day they're born have to punch their mama's udder in order to get milk out, that's how lactation works in ewes, so the instinct is very firmly ingrained in their little baby lamb heads to "punch the dangly thing on adult's belly in order to dispense food." By the time they're big enough to wean, they will sometimes punch hard enough to lift their mama's back legs off the ground in their enthusiasm for food.

I'm sure you see where I'm going with this. One year I had to pull a few of the ram lambs two weeks early for reasons (nobody @ me they were fine) and because they were smaller than usual and there were only a few of them I didn't want to dump them straight into the pen with all the big guys to get beat up. Instead I put them in a smaller pasture and tossed the Boss Ram in with them as a babysitter because he's always been relatively gentle with lambs and letting The Boss get used to new guys alone usually helps with dominance fighting later.

So here is this big, dominant ram, undisputed king of his domain, locked in a pen with four of his newly weaned mini-mes who have never shared a pen with an adult male before. He's got the biggest horns and the hardest head on the farm, he's ready for anything.

Except. The lambs have no interest in bashing skulls. The lambs are hungry. The lambs see an adult with dangly bits in approximately the same place as their mama's dangly bits. Their entire three months of lived experience tells them punching those dangly bits results in food.

That ram, who had never before run from a fight, spent a very uncomfortable and confusing time being chased around the pen by four miniature copies of himself, all of them crying at the top of their lungs and very determined to punch him in the nuts.

jackdaw-kraai

Fucking SOBBING

jamesclarkross
sockablock

Knowing a fic author through AO3 is like attending someone’s thesis presentation and politely clapping at the end, knowing a fic author through this hellsite is like going over to their house at 3AM to watch them eat mayonnaise out of a jar

derinthescarletpescatarian

Sometimes I attend somebody’s thesis presentation and I’m so impressed that I follow them home to watch them eat mayonnaise out of a jar at 3am.

itsmyturnonthegender

Sometimes I watch someone eat mayonnaise out of a jar at 3am with such fervour I am compelled to attend their thesis presentation